She made it!!! 10 hours of preop, MRI tests, and surgery. I can only imagine how strong she must be. Sore and swollen but still she smiles at people. How wonderful it was to see each other again. Today she has made good efforts at recovery. Food and sleep when the body needs it are gifts from above. Jessie was on her feet already so on to our own room. Everyone's prayers and messages were what get you through something like this. We can't thank you enough. Every day is a blessing from the lord. Never overlook a chance to show kindness and a smile. Hug those you care about because you never know how many you'll get. Praise the Lord for his presence her this week and for his healing hand. More updates this week. Hopefully soon you will hear from her in her own words. Mike

Not too much to say......I know that 's not normal for me :)

Well, we're ok.  Just taking a day at a time.  Everyday is different and sometimes how we're doing changes with the minute, hour, or day.  It's been hard, harder the second time in ways.  Less of a shock maybe this time but hard knowing what's ahead of us.  I absolutely want nothing to do with surgery next week.  Nothing at all.  We leave Monday morning for Cleveland and will most likely be there a good part of the week.  Surgery is first thing Tuesday. Fortunately Luke will be able to stay with family in the comforts of his own home! We are so so very thankful for family and friends.  I don't know how we would do this without their support.

Sweet Luke......I want to protect that precious little boy so badly.  My heart just breaks seeing that this definitely has affected him.  It was so much easier when he was too little to know what was going on. He's doing good really, probably better than I think.  I just see how he responds to some things and some of his questions and I see that he is a little scared too.  He had his tonsils out on the first day of summer vacation this year and I think that was a blessing in disguise.  He now has some understanding of what surgery is and that you don't feel well for a few weeks.  I think that will really help him understand this process.  Yes, this is a bit more complex but hopefully not so in his mind.  We've talked with him quite a bit about this all but not too in depth.  I hope that everyone is careful with what they share with their children for Luke's sake.  I just want so desperately to protect him.  Praying that this will only make him stronger and a more compassionate man someday.  Man????  ewww......BOY...let's keep him a boy for awhile.

Mike......he's ok too.  He wants to "fix" it and he can't so therefor he's maybe not really ok.  I hate cancer.  I really don't like the word "hate" except when it comes to cancer.  I hate it like HATE it.

I've been on a mission to tie up lose ends these last few weeks and this weekend.  I guess it's kind of like nesting.  Top things I had to do before surgery:  Clean house, clean my car, and pay bills.  The three things that absolutely make me crazy if there not done.  My house is not spick and span but I like a "picked up house" and I cannot stand it when my car is dirty!  I like a clean car.  Clean house and clean car just give me a sense of having it "together!"  I don't like to have bills laying around either.  I have to leave them on the counter so I don't forget about them but I don't like clutter on my counter so it makes me pay bills. :)  I have those 3 things pretty well done.  The laundry........well it's still in the dryer.  It can stay there awhile :)

So I'm checking out for awhile.  Mike says he is going to update the blog while I'm off  so that could be interesting!  If he can't, someone else will.  


I think I'll leave the "news" for another time.   I'm excited to share it with you but I'm out of words for tonight and I would really like to share my heart with you about it so it's going to have to wait!


Thank you very much for your prayers and love.  


Love,
Jess

Another day at Cleveland

Surgery it is.....July 24.  Not at all what we wanted but we were definitely convinced that it was the right choice for me.  I'm beyond exhausted and really want to be in my bed so this is going to be short and sweet.  My surgeon feels very confident that he can remove it all and feels like there is very minimal risk involved.  So that's the good news inside the bad.  I will be taking approximately 4-6 weeks off work which is quite overwhelming.......a lot of phone calls to make in the next week.  I will be working however until the surgery.   I plan to be very busy enjoying Summer with my boys on my days off until surgery.

We are emotionally totally wiped out.

Please know that I appreciate every single text, message, call, etc.  I don't always respond as I'm trying not to be on my phone too much and trying to cherish each moment with Luke and Mike.  Your prayers and little messages mean a ton to me......they really do.

I do have some specific prayer request for you prayer warriors!  Most important is that the grade of the tumor has not went up.  That will be determined after it is removed.  Next, that I don't have to do chemo.  My surgeon suggested that might be a possibility.  A slim possibility but worth praying for!  I absolutely dread chemo.

I will write more later, tonight I'm just too tired.

Oh and I do have some exciting news but I keep you in suspense for those of you who don't know until next time! :)

Good night for now,
Love,
Jess

The sting of old wounds.

Yesterday we went to Cleveland for my functional MRI.  It's a very intense MRI that does brain mapping.  This is the MRI that will determine if surgery is the right choice for me or not.  It will also be the MRI that would guide them through surgery.  It was a little over an hour long.  To say the least , yesterday was a very hard day.  I was somewhere I never wanted to be again nor thought I'd be again, doing something I never wanted to do again.  The building seemed to be filled with very very ill and severely sick people.  It seemed as they all were dying.  I don't want to "fit" in there.  I felt like we were threw right back into a tough reality.  The last week or so had actually been very good.  Most days I could actually forget about all that was ahead of us but yesterday made it very real.  The MRI itself is very stressful and exhausting but the emotions of it all were equally tough.

We go back Monday to meet with my surgeon and discuss the results and find out if we will do surgery or start right away with chemo.  Originally I wanted the surgery because they said that's always their first choice because they can remove so much at once then follow up with chemo to get whatever's left.  After being there yesterday, I DO NOT want surgery.  I do not want to go through this again.  I do not want to do chemo for that matter either.

Today I feel like I'm still sorting out the emotions, trying to get back on my feet again.  It seems so much harder with Luke being older.  Right now I want to go to a deserted Island for about 6 months and come back and it all be over with!

I know that Christ took all our sickness with him to the cross and I've really been claiming that.  I would be shouting to the world to go back and have those Dr.'s say there's nothing there.......a miraculous healing!  I am on my knees..............a lot.   I can't change this, neither can Mike which is so hard to except but HE can.

Mike for that matter is struggling.  He won't like that I said that but he needs your prayers as much as I do.  He doesn't talk about it much, I think he's trying to be strong for Luke and I.

We are fortunate to have awesome people in our lives.  We have some of the BEST friends and family in the world.  We need them all and we are soooo very thankful for each and everyone of you.

On another note, our friends have been going through the adoption process and could really use some prayer.  It has been a very long and exhausting road for them.  They have been fortunate enough to have spent the last 6 months with an amazing little girl that has forever changed their lives.  Praying that they get to bring her HOME for good very soon.  We love her too and can't wait to spend more time with her!  She's cuter than you can imagine! :)

Well some healing took place while I typed this out so now I better get back to the reality of laundry, bills, cleaning....etc!  Gag......I'd rather go lay in the pool all day!

My favorite verse:  "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me."  Phil 4;13    

Love, Jess

Not what we hoped and prayed for.

We were to Cleveland last week and we didn't exactly get the news we wanted.  It's not the worst news but still hard to take.  There is minimal new growth on my MRI in comparison to a scan from a year ago.  I will absolutely do chemo again and surgery may be an option.  I will go back in July for a functional MRI and then go back to meet with the surgeon to discuss the results and decide if surgery is a good option for me or not.  We are managing to put one foot in front of the other but to say the least .....it's been hard.  We are tired, just plain tired.  We've talked with Luke lightly about this and so far he seems to be doing very well with it.  I don't think he really understands what's ahead of us.  He was too little the first time around that he doesn't remember me being sick.  It was much easier then.  I've always been thankful that he was so young the first time around.  Seems as though the older they are the harder it is for them.  He has no idea that he is going to be the reason I push through this.......as much as I dread being sick, tired, and all the Dr.'s apts.  We sort of had the weekend to wrap our heads around this all and I'd say I feel like I'm finally getting a "grasp" of it all.  It's been hard, it's been exhausting, it's been way emotional, it's just been very trying.  We're not sleeping too well so I'm tired and not up for writing much.  I knew I needed to update this though.

As always, we are SO thankful for all of our prayer warriors out there!  Your text, emails, cards, etc. mean more than you'll ever know.  Thank you.......you lift us up when we are falling.

I know I'm not too exciting this morning but I never am in the morning :)   I hope this doesn't come across negative.  I do not doubt that God has a wonderful plan for our lives.  I know he will bring each of us through this.  As frustrated as we are, we do not doubt Him.  I do have peace that it's all going to be "ok."  Just a "bump" in the road I suppose.  I prefer smooth roads. :)

Love,
Jess

Taking it all in

Today felt like a milestone in this journey/life. Today Luke had his first piano recital. His Great Great Aunt is his teacher! She is an amazing woman. It has been such a privilege for him and myself to have her all to ourselves for a half an hour every week. If it weren't for piano we wouldn't really see her much and sadly Luke probably wouldn't have really known her. We are the lucky ones. I treasure her. At most lessons she says something about my Grandparents. It's always good to hear her stories about them for myself and for Luke who never knew them and at most lessons I tear up seeing her and Luke sit there on that piano bench together. What a beautiful thing.

Luke is pretty timid in front of too many people so we weren't sure how the recital would go. He did awesome! We were soooooo very proud of him! He had a big grin and so did we! I fought the tears off pretty well most of the time. I don't think I can even sum up the emotions I was feeling today. I was overwhelmed with emotions. Gratefulness for being here to see this day, Joy for Luke having her as his teacher, Love for Luke, So very Proud of the little boy he's become, Sadness that my Grandparents aren't here to see these things, and much more! Today while we sat there and listened to those kids play it felt big to me.... It was. God has blessed us greatly. I sat there and realized that life is happening all around me and I'm just so thankful that I get to be here for it all!

Our family welcomed a new baby this week too! Another reminder of God's miracles. I loved holding that baby and just relishing those moments.

I also have a cousin who is breaking records and taking names in high school wrestling! It's been fun to watch and we are incredibly proud of the person he is.

The recital, the baby, the wrestling.......I'm seeing it, feeling it, smelling it, hearing it.......I'm loving it all. Grandma would have loved it all too, I'm missing her in the midst of it all.

It's so easy to take it all for granted and I do but not today.

Love,

Jess

Today I'm loving

Emotional overload

We traveled to Cleveland yesterday for my routine MRI and oncology appointment. My oncologist allowed me to go 5 months for the first time so it has been a nice 5 month break! Much needed! All was well with my MRI........very very thankful for that! That really makes all the other things that I get bent out of shape about seem much less important. My MRI didn't start out to well. Which like I said isn't that big of a deal now but at the time I was in "emotional overload" so it seemed big. I've had to give in and get the I.V. that I've fought for as long as I could. In the past they would do about half of my MRI then pull me out, inject the dye then proceed with the rest of the MRI. Now I'm having a different kind of MRI. It's called profusion. I've had this the last few times now and I have to have the I.V. for this type of MRI.

So to back up a little, these appointments bring much anxiety. Nothing like getting in the car knowing that your life could be turned upside down in a few hours. I really did feel good about this appointment but that anxiety seems to be unavoidable. Which when I'm anxious or stressed I get quiet and edgy, Mike turns everything into a joke when he's stressed. Needless to say I don't find him funny at the time. Not a good combo at times! :) Can make for a quiet ride to Cleveland.

I didn't get the best two people for my I.V. this time. The male nurse was a jerk and the lady nurse seemed as though it was her first I.V. I understand that everyone has to start sometime but PLEASE not on me! Needless to say they had trouble starting my I.V. which is surprising because they always tell me what good veins I have and how easy I am to get. So that's when the tears started. Totally out of my control. I didn't want to be crying but seemed to not be able to stop. I hate going to these appointments and I hate I.V.'s .

I titled this "Emotional overload" because I don't think the tears were all about an I.V. I think they were about a lot of things. I also broke into tears a few weeks ago when the dentist told me I needed a root canal and crown. Which is not something I would typically cry about. I think they were caused a lot by the anxiety that comes with this appointment and knowing of so many people around me who have really needed the prayers lately. Feel like I'm keeping God pretty busy with my prayer requests.

When I was younger I lost my best friend. At that age I was devistated for myself....and pretty much myself only (I was in 10). It was about me then (so I thought). When my grandparents passed away......I was hurting for me......pretty much just me again. Over the past few years I've realized what it's like to have your heart break for someone else. To see someone else in so much pain and feel so helpless. I have truly felt like it's breaking my heart but for them. It's so hard to see someone going through something so terrible and feel so helpless. There are a few families close to my heart that have needed my prayers lately and I think that is all a part of the emotional overload. I just want to fix it all for them. I want to do more than pray for them......I want to make it all go away for them.

As much as it's been an emotional week, I've seen a few prayers answered already this week and I'm hoping to see a few more.

Almost forgot to tell you more about my answered prayer.......I will not be returning at this point for another 5 months!!!! AND she said if I do well at my next appointment then she will consider letting me go 6 months!!!!! WE ARE THRILLED!

All my love,

Jess