Emotional overload

We traveled to Cleveland yesterday for my routine MRI and oncology appointment. My oncologist allowed me to go 5 months for the first time so it has been a nice 5 month break! Much needed! All was well with my MRI........very very thankful for that! That really makes all the other things that I get bent out of shape about seem much less important. My MRI didn't start out to well. Which like I said isn't that big of a deal now but at the time I was in "emotional overload" so it seemed big. I've had to give in and get the I.V. that I've fought for as long as I could. In the past they would do about half of my MRI then pull me out, inject the dye then proceed with the rest of the MRI. Now I'm having a different kind of MRI. It's called profusion. I've had this the last few times now and I have to have the I.V. for this type of MRI.

So to back up a little, these appointments bring much anxiety. Nothing like getting in the car knowing that your life could be turned upside down in a few hours. I really did feel good about this appointment but that anxiety seems to be unavoidable. Which when I'm anxious or stressed I get quiet and edgy, Mike turns everything into a joke when he's stressed. Needless to say I don't find him funny at the time. Not a good combo at times! :) Can make for a quiet ride to Cleveland.

I didn't get the best two people for my I.V. this time. The male nurse was a jerk and the lady nurse seemed as though it was her first I.V. I understand that everyone has to start sometime but PLEASE not on me! Needless to say they had trouble starting my I.V. which is surprising because they always tell me what good veins I have and how easy I am to get. So that's when the tears started. Totally out of my control. I didn't want to be crying but seemed to not be able to stop. I hate going to these appointments and I hate I.V.'s .

I titled this "Emotional overload" because I don't think the tears were all about an I.V. I think they were about a lot of things. I also broke into tears a few weeks ago when the dentist told me I needed a root canal and crown. Which is not something I would typically cry about. I think they were caused a lot by the anxiety that comes with this appointment and knowing of so many people around me who have really needed the prayers lately. Feel like I'm keeping God pretty busy with my prayer requests.

When I was younger I lost my best friend. At that age I was devistated for myself....and pretty much myself only (I was in 10). It was about me then (so I thought). When my grandparents passed away......I was hurting for me......pretty much just me again. Over the past few years I've realized what it's like to have your heart break for someone else. To see someone else in so much pain and feel so helpless. I have truly felt like it's breaking my heart but for them. It's so hard to see someone going through something so terrible and feel so helpless. There are a few families close to my heart that have needed my prayers lately and I think that is all a part of the emotional overload. I just want to fix it all for them. I want to do more than pray for them......I want to make it all go away for them.

As much as it's been an emotional week, I've seen a few prayers answered already this week and I'm hoping to see a few more.

Almost forgot to tell you more about my answered prayer.......I will not be returning at this point for another 5 months!!!! AND she said if I do well at my next appointment then she will consider letting me go 6 months!!!!! WE ARE THRILLED!

All my love,

Jess

No News is Good News....promise.

Sorry....blogging just isn't on my mind....like ever. I'm sorry for those of you that this your way of staying updated on how I am doing. Fortunately I've been fantastic and I am living a normal (whatever that is) life! It sometimes seems as though all that we went through (which has just passed 4 years!!!) was forever ago or not even real?! I think that's great. I wouldn't wish it all on anyone but have truly been blessed by it all. None the less I'm glad it seems like my past and not my life now.

Anyways....I was to Cleveland mid August for my routine 3 month MRI and oncologist appointment and if I was technology savvy at all I would post the picture Mike took of my oncologist and I together. She's awesome. God gave us good news again in August. Stable....the world we've come to love.....again. Going at least every 3 months for the last 4 years we LOVE the word stable! My goal for my August appointment was not only for a stable report but also to express to my oncologist that these appointments were wearing on me...... had a rough few months.....lost a few great people to this disgusting disease.....watched a family that I adore lose a husband/father.......had a "suspicious" possible cancerous spot in my mouth removed with oral surgery (which seems to be fine).....just sick of sad crap to say the least. My oncologist has said from the beginning that she would consider letting me go 6 months between appointments after my MRI's had been stable for 5 years. Let me just remind you how awesome our God is......surgeon (top in the world) and oncologist all hoped I would go 2 to 3 years before needing surgery again.....so....yep....God is real good 4 years later. Anyway...I told her these things and she thought quietly for awhile and said, "Sure, I feel comfortable with not seeing you till after the first of the year!" Music to our ears! That was BIG, like GIGANTIC, like as big as the OCEAN! So I guess I've been on "leave" and LOVING it! Maybe that's why this whole cancer thing doesn't seem like my life anymore since this is the longest break I"ve had from it....I don't know and don't care. It's grand anyway. Maybe that's why I've not blogged.....I've been enjoying my "leave." Never the less I got the dreaded appointment letter in the mail about a month ago and yes it feels like there's an ugly dark cloud lingering again. It's folded up as small and discretely as possible...hoping maybe I can forget about it somewhat as long as possible. Yes....maybe avoidance is how I deal but oh well. I go back January 11....I think. I honestly don't remember right now. I feel great....I've enjoyed this break.

We're doing great as a family as well. Mike is happy as ever because it's hunting season.....gag. Luke is loving the first grade and doing great! We stay plenty busy and really we're enjoying it all.

Heart break and sadness seems to be everywhere.......I have a dear friend who has been dealing with great pain in a different way for a few years now and now another friend who is dear to us was recently diagnosed with cancer too. I go back to a song that seemed to bring me peace when this was all new to us......http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iNeOmrq37MI&feature=related...... By the way this is a FIRST.....never have attempted to post a link....let's see if I actually did it right! :) Hope so.....hope you get to enjoy.

Until next time,
Jess

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The gift ....

Today was my regular Cleveland trip. I felt pretty good about it but as always struggle to fight off any anxiety or negative feelings. Usually I succeed in doing so but .......it's hard. I'm beating the odds right now and I'm extremely grateful for that! All those "numbers......years still it returns, years to live.....etc.," are kind of haunting (even though I've much surpassed them) so it's a daily struggle sometimes in my Faith. I learn more and more everyday about my Faith and in return my Faith grows a little more everyday. I'm feeling more and more this "push" to share "my story."??? I don't know how or where but I know I'm supposed to Glorify God through this. I just need to figure out how. I've always been a "believer" but this journey has definitely brought me closer to God and I express that much more openly than I could have ever imagined myself doing so. Interesting.

Sooo.......on to the good news! My Oncologist walked in to the room and instantly said, "You're scans are beautiful!" Wow....what a relief. Yes....this is always what I expect and hope for but....... there is so much "bad" going on all around and I'm not "supposed" to be doing so well (according to the statistics) so when I hear those words it's a HUGE, I mean HUGE relief. Yes, I am weak, very weak in that moment when the Dr. walks in.

I cannot Thank all my friends and family enough. I am surrounded by amazing people. You all lift me up and help me keep my chin up when sometimes.........well.....sometimes it's hard. In my weakness there's a lot of tears, a lot of crying while the boys sleep. This disease carries a negative feeling, thoughts, etc. So THANK YOU for being there. I am so grateful. I need you all.

I need Mike too. Like I've never needed him before. As you all know.....Luke is the absolute JOY of my life but Mike I love him and I don't give him the credit he deserves. I was young when we got married and when we read our vows, I was like yeah, yeah just marry us already! Now when I go to a wedding the vows are my favorite part. They mean so much more to me now. For better or for worse (he definitely has the "worse" version now), in sickness and in health........well yeah you know he totally has that one covered! He has been awesome. Totally awesome. There were times in my chemo days where I couldn't lift my drink to my mouth....but Mike did. There are times where I am mad at the world and he knows why and doesn't get mad, he's just kind and patient. There are times where nothing makes me happy or everything makes me angry and he knows why without having to say a word. He's awesome. I need him.

I need God, I need Mike, I need Luke, I need all my friends and family. THANKS for letting me need you.

Life is a gift.

I cannot wait to see the sun shine soon!

Love,
Jess

The Latest and the GREATEST

I'm going to make this as short and sweet as possible because quite frankly....I'm exhausted! I didn't update after my last appointment a month ago because it was not a good appointment. The oncologist saw some inflammation on my MRI around the area in which my tumor had been removed suggesting signs of tumor regrowth possibly. So basically to protect Luke we chose not to be very public about this. We really didn't know much and didn't want him to worry. They scheduled me to come back in a month so they would be able to tell if the MRI showed aggressive changes or slow changes in a month's time. They discussed what I would most likely be doing for treatment and it was more than likely going to be radiation. Well.......with much prayer I received GREAT news today. The MRI was stable with possibly slight improvement from last month! That my friends is a real life MIRACLE. I don't know how to express how thankful we are. GOD is GOOD.

With that.....Goodnight and GOD BLESS

Love,
Jess

Way overdue!!!! Sorry!

So sorry that I am so slow to update the blog on my last visit to Cleveland! I was there the end of October and all was well!!!!!!!!! Everything remains stable, praise God! I will go back mid February and I will try to be better about updating the blog upon my return! I just kept forgetting about it!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Love,
Jess

Just another day in Cleveland.

Well we are home from another day in Cleveland and once again we have good news! We are very thankful right now.....very blessed. The last few weeks leading up to this appointment have been stressful to say the least. In the last few weeks I've learned of two people who are at the end of their battle with brain cancer. One was diagnosed 6 months before me and close to my age was just told that they must seek hospice care and the other that was diagnosed after me has passed. So you could say I've been rattled and shaken by all this. It's been a wrestle with fear, doubt, my faith, and so much more. There has been a very quiet and somewhat unspoken tension/anxiety/fear that has just been lingering in our house for the last few weeks. That being said, we were very glad to have been blessed with a good report today at Cleveland. My MRI looked good and I will go back in 4 months. The Dr. continues to lower my seizure meds and hopes that I will be off of them all together by the next time I'm there. He also told me that after I've been free of any growth or changes on the MRI for 5 years that I will be able to go 6 months between visits to Cleveland. This September will mark 3 years! He also told us that just before he saw us he had a patient that has gone 10 years now with no growth or changes to his tumor!!!!!!!!! That's awesome.

My appointments were early so we did a little shopping (car shopping) on our way home. We're not sure that we'll be getting something but we thought we'd start looking while we had the day together. Luke got to spend the day at the lake with some friends! I always try to find something fun for him when we go but I think he's getting pretty spoiled!!! I'm thinking he's pretty darn lucky! He had a blast and is now sleeping! He even went tubing! Mike and I returned home to a home cooked meal on our table by some more great friends!! It's been a great day all around!

Thank you so much for all your prayers! We realize how fortunate we are to be surrounded by such great people. We have a wonderful support system filled with prayer!

I will write again when we return in October!

By the way.......we celebrated a pretty special little boy's birthday this past weekend! Luke turned 6 on Saturday!!!!! I cannot believe it! He will go to kindergarten this fall!

Love,
Jess

Cleveland Trip - Feeling blessed

Mike and Jessie have headed home from Cleveland with a good report. They will update soon.

Both are feeling very blessed - good day/good report.

Thanks for all your prayers - keep them on your prayer list please.