Treatment week is over and now only one more to go!
Something is weighing kind of heavy on my mind right now. Someone recently asked me how I was doing and I responded with "good." They asked me if I was all done with my surgeries and etc. and I responded with something like "yeah, I suppose for now." Then later this person said to me "well no one knows when their cancer is going to come back." This is just a hard part of this that I really don't know how to explain. I know that terrible tragedies happen to young and old people all the time. I also realize that there is always someone else out there who has it MUCH worse than myself. I do try to be very positive about my "situation," and I know that no one knows what tomorrow will bring and that no one is guaranteed a tomorrow here with their family. What I struggle with and feel as though it came across wrongly to this person was that with brain tumors they've (the Dr.'s and statistics) have always said that it's not IF the tumor will return but when. At my last apt. they told me that when the tumor begins to grow again the next step would most likely be surgery again followed by radiation. The Dr.'s also have told us from the beginning that they hoped for 2 to 3 years before the tumor returned. I do have hope that the tumor will not return and that I can be a miracle but the Dr.'s are very upfront with us and so I guess what I'm saying is I don't know how to respond to these types of situations. I AM doing very well right now. I guess I know the reality of it all is that it's probably not over yet. That doesn't mean that I have lost hope. Sometimes I question my Faith, is it not strong enough? It's all confusing to me and to Mike for that matter. We want to celebrate that I'm done with chemo but we also can't help but silently wonder is this time off chemo going to be the calm before the storm? Maybe I responded wrong to this person's questions, I just don't know what to say. If someone asks how I'm feeling it's the truth when I say I'm feeling good. It is hard for me to get past what has been told to us about brain cancer and I try not to get lost in all the statistics but sometimes I do. So I hope I didn't come across wrongly to this person, I am optimistic about it all and trying also to be prepared mentally for what could be ahead.
All that being said, we have some very good news! Mike's mom got a call from the Dr.'s that the pathology report came back and it was benign! Whoo-who!! What a relief! Today I had the privilege of walking for my Aunt who IS a breast cancer survivor at the 5k in Toledo for Breast Cancer! It was a beautiful day and I was so glad to be able to go!
Goodnight for now! It's been a long week and I'm so ready for some serious sleep!!!!
Have a great week!
Love,
Jess
By the way this blog was originally created by Janel (friend and co-worker) to keep everyone updated. I have realized that some of you who may not have known that probably thought by the top part of the description of myself that I just really think highly of myself! I did not write those very nice things about myself although I find them very sweet! :)
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Random thoughts and updates.
We're so glad it's cooling off. Don't get me wrong, we LOVE Summer but we're ready for it to cool off. I love the change of seasons. I truly enjoy each one! I had my doctor apt. to make it official that the pneumonia is GONE! While we were there Luke had his preschool check-up. WOW. He was so good, I was so proud of him! He tends to be shy and hide behind our leg. Well not that day, he had to do a standard eye test and he was so good. It was just cute. Luke will start preschool this Thursday. We are very excited. It's not "hard" for me, it's just weird to think that he's big/old enough for this next phase of his life. I think part of why I don't think that this is sad or difficult to see him go is because like I told Mike, I'm just glad to be here to see it. I'm not in a hurry for him to grow up but I'm anxious to be here and to see him do all those "firsts!" I'm just grateful to be HERE! He seems pretty excited about it, a bit leery. Luke doesn't just jump in with both feet when it comes to something new. So the first few days could be interesting. I'll keep you updated on how it goes.
I wish that I would post more often but my mind flip flops from one thing to another and it's hard for me to organize my thoughts enough to get them down into something halfway understandable. I feel like I need to go back to the days of high school and write and outline before I start typing. Ironic, I used to hate to have to do those outlines! Everything has been going well for us. I finished round #12 just before Labor Day so only two more left. As much as I've been so anxious to be done now I'm kind of nervous about being done. At my last Dr. apt. they told us that chemo often just makes brain tumors go dormant temporarily. So now I'm thinking maybe chemo isn't that bad at least we're doing something, being proactive right?! I'm kind of feeling like okay so now we just let this thing go and run ramped and then deal with it! No. That's not cool. Yes, I know have Faith. Well to be quite honest I've always had Faith that this would not take my life but I'm human and I'm weak at times. The other thought always on my mind is that I truly did not think "this" was going to take Leslie's away from her family either. I was reading a story last night about a guy who passed away to cancer and his wife wrote about how he was so positive and felt so sure that God would not take him away from his family. So, what the heck! Is this feeling of safety and security that God will allow me to be HERE with my family just a false sense of security???? Yeah, so I've had some questions for God here lately. I have been trying to remember some of the brain tumor survivor stories I found and stay thinking that I'm going to be one of those survivors.
Right now Luke is blowing a trumpet in my face! Yes, a real trumpet! Thanks to Rick's (my mom's friend) sister Barbara! :) He loves it and just got it last night. I'm hoping the excitement wears off very soon! Thanks (I think) Barbara !!! :)
One thing about being done with treatment that I am looking forward to is starting to shed these unwanted pounds that have come along with it!!!! I'm eating better than I ever have in my life and I'm chubbier than I've ever been too! Go figure. I've really tried to be "okay" with this end of it but it wears on a girl. Trust me, I know that it's small in the big picture but it's still hard for me at times. We recently had some family pictures done and they are very nice but it's hard for me to see myself, It's like I don't even recognize myself. Especially when I look back at our family pictures from two years ago, you wouldn't even know it was the same person. So hopefully being done with treatment will allow me some more energy to be able to get back in shape!
Oh, by the way we are now in the goldfish business! Luke "won" six fish at the fair. So after they lived in a cooking bowl for a week with no food we decided that they might actually make it and bought a fish tank and food. Luke loves it. We don't. We were laughing about it the other day and we were saying how it would have been cheaper to just go buy the fish at Wal-Mart as to playing those games at the fair! Oh-well.
On a heavier note, today the Grisier family has a big day and I hope that you can add them all to your prayers. Please pray for a successful surgery that is the first step to complete recovery.
Also, someone very near and dear to us on Mike's side of our family is going to have a biopsy this next week and we are praying that we will find that this "area" is NOT cancerous. I will update with more later.
Have a great week.
Love,
Jess
I wish that I would post more often but my mind flip flops from one thing to another and it's hard for me to organize my thoughts enough to get them down into something halfway understandable. I feel like I need to go back to the days of high school and write and outline before I start typing. Ironic, I used to hate to have to do those outlines! Everything has been going well for us. I finished round #12 just before Labor Day so only two more left. As much as I've been so anxious to be done now I'm kind of nervous about being done. At my last Dr. apt. they told us that chemo often just makes brain tumors go dormant temporarily. So now I'm thinking maybe chemo isn't that bad at least we're doing something, being proactive right?! I'm kind of feeling like okay so now we just let this thing go and run ramped and then deal with it! No. That's not cool. Yes, I know have Faith. Well to be quite honest I've always had Faith that this would not take my life but I'm human and I'm weak at times. The other thought always on my mind is that I truly did not think "this" was going to take Leslie's away from her family either. I was reading a story last night about a guy who passed away to cancer and his wife wrote about how he was so positive and felt so sure that God would not take him away from his family. So, what the heck! Is this feeling of safety and security that God will allow me to be HERE with my family just a false sense of security???? Yeah, so I've had some questions for God here lately. I have been trying to remember some of the brain tumor survivor stories I found and stay thinking that I'm going to be one of those survivors.
Right now Luke is blowing a trumpet in my face! Yes, a real trumpet! Thanks to Rick's (my mom's friend) sister Barbara! :) He loves it and just got it last night. I'm hoping the excitement wears off very soon! Thanks (I think) Barbara !!! :)
One thing about being done with treatment that I am looking forward to is starting to shed these unwanted pounds that have come along with it!!!! I'm eating better than I ever have in my life and I'm chubbier than I've ever been too! Go figure. I've really tried to be "okay" with this end of it but it wears on a girl. Trust me, I know that it's small in the big picture but it's still hard for me at times. We recently had some family pictures done and they are very nice but it's hard for me to see myself, It's like I don't even recognize myself. Especially when I look back at our family pictures from two years ago, you wouldn't even know it was the same person. So hopefully being done with treatment will allow me some more energy to be able to get back in shape!
Oh, by the way we are now in the goldfish business! Luke "won" six fish at the fair. So after they lived in a cooking bowl for a week with no food we decided that they might actually make it and bought a fish tank and food. Luke loves it. We don't. We were laughing about it the other day and we were saying how it would have been cheaper to just go buy the fish at Wal-Mart as to playing those games at the fair! Oh-well.
On a heavier note, today the Grisier family has a big day and I hope that you can add them all to your prayers. Please pray for a successful surgery that is the first step to complete recovery.
Also, someone very near and dear to us on Mike's side of our family is going to have a biopsy this next week and we are praying that we will find that this "area" is NOT cancerous. I will update with more later.
Have a great week.
Love,
Jess
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