Sunday, July 17, 2016

5 months down.

Yep, I have 5 whole months down!  It's actually going very fast for me!  Just wanted to update you all on how things have been going.  I continue to take my meds everyday for three weeks then I have one week off treatment.  I love my week off!  My biggest complaint is just being tired.  I'm so fortunate that's my biggest complaint!  I have some stomach pain and issues with that but nothing that gets bad enough that I can't work.  I'm continuing to work but have definitely cut back.  It's a hard thing to do.  It's hard to tell people no....especially when you think, Oh it's just one more or I can stay another 45 minutes but it all adds up.  It really hit me that as hard as it is to tell people no I had to for my family.  I was coming home so tired and just sleeping the rest of the night.  I had used all my energy at work and didn't have anything left for my favorite people!

I started meds back up tonight after having this past week off.  There's a certain sort of sadness when this day comes.  Just a reality I suppose.  I don't let myself stay there.  It would be easy to do but that's not who I want to be or will ever be.

The boys are great!  Luke has been so great about it all.  We aren't afraid to talk about it in front of him with other people because we've been able to be open about it at home.  He really doesn't seemed to be bothered by it.  I do want to thank all of you who are so sensitive to Luke when he's around.  Often I notice someone asking me quietly while Luke isn't looking and it's so sweet of you!

So just wanted to send out a short note to update you all!  We truly are doing very well!!

Oh, and THANK YOU for the meals!!!!  They have been such a blessing!!!


Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Stable. Word.

Stable. A word we've come to love.  We went back to Cleveland yesterday and they told us that the tumor was stable. This was what they expected and hoped for yesterday.  Not to sound greedy, but we always want more.  Not that we're disappointed but we know that God can remove this all together. Am I frustrated, yes and no.  Is it wrong to want more, I don't think so. I wan't complete healing. No more freakin tumor at ALL.

Truly, it was a good day though. We had a great time together, just some quality "us" time.  We weren't burdened by the emotions and physical exhaustion that can come with a day like yesterday. We truly trust God. We have given it all to Him. Even though it has been nearly 9 years of dealing with this crap (I mean, lets be real, this bites), over the past few months I think we have finally and truly surrendered it all to Him.  I thought we already had, but yesterday realized we really hadn't. The peace that we had yesterday made it all clear to me that we hadn't really turned it over to Him. We thought we had. (Maybe "we" isn't the right word....maybe I should be using "I" ;) )

Over the past few months or so our faith has grown, something is different.  I don't think I can necessarily put my finger on exactly what it's just different but a real good different.  Maybe Mike was already in this place, but I can say I must not have been or yesterday wouldn't have been so beautiful to me.

My perspective on life is different.  When I get to those pearly white gates.....all I want to hear is...."Well done, my good and faithful servant."  This is what I desire now.  Nothing of this world that I will ever feel or accomplish. Only a blessing from God that will satisfy me now.  I'm learning true obedience.  Like I said, I thought I understood this before. Well, I was wrong. I wanted to be obedient and I wanted to understand it but I simply didn't. Maybe I have finally hit rock bottom, not in a bad way but in a way where I'm finally realizing ALL I need is Him.  Nothing else.  Where I really give it all to Him. Complete surrender.  Complete obedience. Has this come from years of hearing the Gospel?  I don't think so,  (not that it hasn't been a huge part of it) I believe that something has changed in my heart.  Maybe after years of putting a wall of "to protect myself" I've finally let God alllll the way in.

Do I still expect complete healing, ABSOLUTELY. Will I still love God if I don't get in "my time,"  ABSOLUTELY. My perspective has changed.  Yes, I'm choosing radical obedience.

I was reminded of some scripture that I had totally started letting go of ........"Just be still, let God fight for you." Exodus14:14  "Be still and know that I am God."  Psalm 46:10  How had I started to let go of these........For real. I am going to be still, God has this.

That's all......Much love to you all,

Friday, March 18, 2016

One month down

Hey! First off, I feel really good this week!  Still get tired but not near as bad as the last few weeks! I'm hoping my week off is always this good! Unfortunately this week is going by way too fast! Ticks me off to think that this Sunday I start over again! And to top it off, my lab work came back good (which is good), this means my body is handling the treatment well and my next round of chemo won't be delayed but......this also means they are going to up my does of chemo......mixed feelings about that. So I suppose it's possible that this next month I could be more tired yet....?  ugh...... Hopefully the nausea continues to stay away!

I made a crap ton of phone calls this am figuring out insurance stuff, talking to Cleveland, calling my specialty pharmacy to make sure my meds were on the way....... feels like such a waste of time and so annoying.  But... I did find out my next appointment is May 16.  They really don't expect to see any change yet.  They are just hoping for no more growth.  At this point I'm not concerned about it at all.

I'm doing well with the oils and such but failing miserable with my diet..... I need to come up with a plan. I do so much better with a plan.  I believe Mike and I are going to start something pretty stinkin strict very soon. Not excited at all but feeling ready to make the commitment.  It's a health thing for us not a "get skinny" thing. I'd be lying if I said that wouldn't be an awesome bonus! Like really awesome. We had the great privilege of taking some visiting Pastors (Pasors IV and Bene from Epic Church) to the airport and they highly recommended this diet to us.  I am getting out and walking as often as I can. It definitely is a mood lifter for me! Gets my blood flowing and love the fresh air!

Overall I feel like we are all doing pretty good.  We just keep it "light" especially with Luke.  This week one day we were on our way to school when I realized he didn't have a jacket or anything on! He definitely needed one on! So we laughed and I kept saying you look like you don't have a mother! He giggled :)  When he got out of the car I said have a good day you little boy who doesn't have a mom, I said just tell them your mom is on chemo and is missing some of her brain. We just have as much fun with is as we can! I really do believe that he is doing so good!

"They have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, TRUSTING in the Lord."  Psalm 112:7


Thursday, March 10, 2016

Quick update

So I haven't updated in awhile just because every time I think I'm going to do it I either fall asleep or just plain don't get to it. Obviously being tired is my biggest complaint.  Most of the other side affects are minimal and have pretty much subsided at this point. Last night I had a hard time working and then again today.  I don't know what to make of the chemo starting to build up in my body,  did I do too much, or am I just that tired.  I don't know.  We figured this month would determine a lot about how my body was going to handle it.  So we have another week plus but right now I'm the most exhausted I've been since I started this treatment.  Fortunately Luke's soccer was canceled for tonight and I don't have too much to do tomorrow so hopefully I'll get the rest my body wants. Pretty sure I could go to bed right now and it's not even 6!

We have been SO blessed by everyone! Oh my goodness.....I don't even know how to thank everyone!  The meals are sooooo awesome and even though I feel silly about it, it really is awesome! Luke especially loves the meals! We get excited for Mondays and Fridays! Even though I am capable of making dinner it's so awesome to come home to a meal 2x a week that Mike nor I had to make!  Once again, I'm just tired. I love this community and the way everyone is ready and willing to do whatever they can! We are just so blessed.

I go for my first round of blood work tomorrow to see how my levels are and if I can continue on this treatment or if I need to take more than a week off next week or if my levels are good they are going to up my dosage.  Sunday will be the start of my week off!  Hallelujah! I'm soooo very ready!

That's all for now....Thanks for the way you all have been loving on us!  You all know how to make someone feel special!


Monday, February 22, 2016

I did it!

Today I went to work!  It may not sound like a big deal but last time there was no way I could have went to work on day 1 of treatment!  I only worked 5 hrs but I did it and I feel pretty decent.  Just more tired and if I didn't know better I'd think I was coming down with something. Fighting a little dizziness here and there but not bad!  Of course the dizziness goes away when I eat! ugh......!!!! So THANK YOU for your prayers! I feel them and God hears them!  Praying I continue to feel well!  Just wanted to send a quick update!

With much love and a very grateful heart,

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Today was the day...

Today had many ups and downs and I'm having trouble focusing long enough to write this.  This is kind of how my day went....Luke and Mike stayed home from church because Luke had a low grade fever and has a nasty cough so I was solo today at church which is fine.  Very rarely do I not get to have my favorite boys there but I love our church so it's no big deal.  I had a cool little opportunity today at church. That little opportunity was nothing to most people but to me, it was a great little outlet for me to share a few little things. Speaking of outlets, I've found that writing on here is a great outlet!  That little opportunity left me feeling so "charged!" I had imagined how I'd come home and take naps with the boys but I was too fired up! I did  however lay down for awhile and The Proposal was on TV......ahhh.... it was theee perfect Sunday afternoon cry I needed! So I cried like a baby while the boys was much needed and was sooo good.  I needed that "release." Like a Pastor once shared many years ago, a cry isn't a bad thing every once in awhile. It sort of hits your "reset" button. Which I find to be very true.

So this evening I finally started my chemo. I have to fast for a total of three hours with it so I took it about an hour ago and I'm definitely feeling "off." I feel a little dizzy and just not quite right. So this won't be long, because I need to go sleep it off soon before I do get sick.  I can't even really wrap my head around how I feel about taking it...... It just sort of feels like a whirlwind.  Is this for real? I wish not.  I don't know why God is allowing this but I do know that I trust Him.  I really don't even question "why." I do believe there is a purpose, He doesn't just fly by the seat of his pants.  There's always purpose. What His purpose is, I don't know.  I may never know. I'm ok with that. I trust Him.  What I do know is this...... He want's me.  He want's me to surrender everything. What He has for me is better than anything I could ever even dream of.  Have I already surrendered? I surrender to him daily, dyeing to self daily. I don't know what my life would look like had I not surrendered to him 8/9 years ago.......but I'm so glad I did. As I write this I can hear Mike's phone playing Sinking Deep while he showers.  I know this......that man is a changed man.  Pretty sure I would have heard some sort of heavy metal before.  I don't know who else God is going to reach through this but there is someone else that He's waiting for.

I talked with Luke yesterday and explained that I may feel kind of like I have the flu tomorrow and not sure how long it will last but I may not too.  He was fine with it, he really seems to be doing so well so THANK YOU to each and everyone of you that have been praying for protection for him!

The longer I try to write, the fuzzier things get so that's all for tonight.

The journey continues but so does yours.


Sunday, February 14, 2016


What does P.S. even mean?

I wanted to add so much more to the last post but one thing that people continue to ask me is if I deleted them on facebook.  No, I did not delete anyone. I took a break from facebook.  It started out early January as part of a corporate fast that we are encouraged to participate in at church.  So after the 21 days were up I just felt like I wasn't ready to go back on.  I don't miss it at all other than knowing when people's birthdays are! I'm just at a place in my life where it has become a distraction to me, distracting me from my family, my friends, and mostly God's word. So for this season of my life I'm not on facebook.  I'm sure I'll be back but I'm just not quite ready.  You all are still my sweet friends.