Stable. Word.

Stable. A word we've come to love.  We went back to Cleveland yesterday and they told us that the tumor was stable. This was what they expected and hoped for yesterday.  Not to sound greedy, but we always want more.  Not that we're disappointed but we know that God can remove this all together. Am I frustrated, yes and no.  Is it wrong to want more, I don't think so. I wan't complete healing. No more freakin tumor at ALL.

Truly, it was a good day though. We had a great time together, just some quality "us" time.  We weren't burdened by the emotions and physical exhaustion that can come with a day like yesterday. We truly trust God. We have given it all to Him. Even though it has been nearly 9 years of dealing with this crap (I mean, lets be real, this bites), over the past few months I think we have finally and truly surrendered it all to Him.  I thought we already had, but yesterday realized we really hadn't. The peace that we had yesterday made it all clear to me that we hadn't really turned it over to Him. We thought we had. (Maybe "we" isn't the right word....maybe I should be using "I" ;) )

Over the past few months or so our faith has grown, something is different.  I don't think I can necessarily put my finger on exactly what it is......it's just different but a real good different.  Maybe Mike was already in this place, but I can say I must not have been or yesterday wouldn't have been so beautiful to me.

My perspective on life is different.  When I get to those pearly white gates.....all I want to hear is...."Well done, my good and faithful servant."  This is what I desire now.  Nothing of this world that I will ever feel or accomplish. Only a blessing from God that will satisfy me now.  I'm learning true obedience.  Like I said, I thought I understood this before. Well, I was wrong. I wanted to be obedient and I wanted to understand it but I simply didn't. Maybe I have finally hit rock bottom, not in a bad way but in a way where I'm finally realizing ALL I need is Him.  Nothing else.  Where I really give it all to Him. Complete surrender.  Complete obedience. Has this come from years of hearing the Gospel?  I don't think so,  (not that it hasn't been a huge part of it) I believe that something has changed in my heart.  Maybe after years of putting a wall of "to protect myself" I've finally let God alllll the way in.

Do I still expect complete healing, ABSOLUTELY. Will I still love God if I don't get in "my time,"  ABSOLUTELY. My perspective has changed.  Yes, I'm choosing radical obedience.

I was reminded of some scripture that I had totally started letting go of ........"Just be still, let God fight for you." Exodus14:14  "Be still and know that I am God."  Psalm 46:10  How had I started to let go of these........For real. I am going to be still, God has this.

That's all......Much love to you all,
Jess