Yesterday we went to Cleveland for my functional MRI. It's a very intense MRI that does brain mapping. This is the MRI that will determine if surgery is the right choice for me or not. It will also be the MRI that would guide them through surgery. It was a little over an hour long. To say the least , yesterday was a very hard day. I was somewhere I never wanted to be again nor thought I'd be again, doing something I never wanted to do again. The building seemed to be filled with very very ill and severely sick people. It seemed as they all were dying. I don't want to "fit" in there. I felt like we were threw right back into a tough reality. The last week or so had actually been very good. Most days I could actually forget about all that was ahead of us but yesterday made it very real. The MRI itself is very stressful and exhausting but the emotions of it all were equally tough.
We go back Monday to meet with my surgeon and discuss the results and find out if we will do surgery or start right away with chemo. Originally I wanted the surgery because they said that's always their first choice because they can remove so much at once then follow up with chemo to get whatever's left. After being there yesterday, I DO NOT want surgery. I do not want to go through this again. I do not want to do chemo for that matter either.
Today I feel like I'm still sorting out the emotions, trying to get back on my feet again. It seems so much harder with Luke being older. Right now I want to go to a deserted Island for about 6 months and come back and it all be over with!
I know that Christ took all our sickness with him to the cross and I've really been claiming that. I would be shouting to the world to go back and have those Dr.'s say there's nothing there.......a miraculous healing! I am on my knees..............a lot. I can't change this, neither can Mike which is so hard to except but HE can.
Mike for that matter is struggling. He won't like that I said that but he needs your prayers as much as I do. He doesn't talk about it much, I think he's trying to be strong for Luke and I.
We are fortunate to have awesome people in our lives. We have some of the BEST friends and family in the world. We need them all and we are soooo very thankful for each and everyone of you.
On another note, our friends have been going through the adoption process and could really use some prayer. It has been a very long and exhausting road for them. They have been fortunate enough to have spent the last 6 months with an amazing little girl that has forever changed their lives. Praying that they get to bring her HOME for good very soon. We love her too and can't wait to spend more time with her! She's cuter than you can imagine! :)
Well some healing took place while I typed this out so now I better get back to the reality of laundry, bills, cleaning....etc! Gag......I'd rather go lay in the pool all day!
My favorite verse: "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me." Phil 4;13
Love, Jess
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11 comments:
Dear Jessie
Thank you for sharing your heart. I've thought you a special, bubbly, sunshiny girl ever since I first met you all those years ago in P'ville. Now, you are a wife and a Mama of a great little guy and I have the privilege to pray for you and your dear family as you fight this crazy battle. You know how to put on the whole armor of God, you know all the verses as you've already found them all. The old song I go to is, When Answers Aren't Enough.
You have faced the mountains of desperation
You have climbed, you have fought, you have won
But this valley that lies coldly before you
Casts a shadow you cannot overcome
And just when you thought you had it all together
You knew every verse to get you through
But this time the sorrow broke more than just your heart
And reciting all those verses just won't do
Chorus:
When answers aren't enough, there is Jesus
He is more than just an answer to your prayer
And your heart will find a safe and peaceful refuge
When answers aren't enough, He is there
Instead of asking why did it happen
Think of where it can lead you from here
And as your pain is slowly easing, you can find a greater reason
To live your life triumphant through the tears
repeat chorus
I have no easy answers but I know GOD IS GOOD and when He allows bad things to happen to good people (because sin entered the world), He has a purpose. May you stay strong and vent all you need to your family and friends and through your blog so we know how to pray and He will use this for His glory. May God find us faithful to uphold you before His throne.
I do pray for your husband and Luke as it is hard to be the ones "watching and waiting".
Hang in there, Little Miss Sunshine. God's got a mission field for you to minister to through this and HE WILL WALK WITH YOU AND BEFORE YOU IN HIS MIGHTY POWER TO WORK HIS WILL IN THE HEARTS AND MINDS OF THOSE YOU COME IN CONTACT WITH. I am praying for your healing.
Love
Aliese
We love you! And are praying for you all... stay strong sister, you are sunshine to so many people!
Aliese, beautiful message! Jessie, we love you, Mike and Luke as if you were part of our very own family! Prayers continue and we will do whatever you need to help you walk this journey again. You are stronger than you know and have inspired so many people already - just putting one foot in front of the other these days is such a testimony we all are witnessing in you! I pray you feel Jesus holding you in His arms, and are given a feeling of peace knowing He is holding Luke and Mike as well. Love you my sweet sweet friend!! Continued prayers for your friend's adoption process as well.
Jessie, Thinking and Praying for you and your family!! Stay strong!!
Jessie,
I love you and your family so much and I think about you almost every minute of the day. I struggle too with watching Mark and the fact that he wants to make all of this better, and can't. I struggle with watching the boys and they wanting to do so much for me, and they can't do the thing they want most. I struggle with the fact that my chemo isn't working and it makes me feel awful. I want the miracle that we both crave...and it seems prayers are going unanswered. But... It is all we can do. I am praying hard for you Jess and I am confident that you will be healed. I will continue to pray and shout out to the Lord that he is good and we need him to answer prayers. Stay strong and know this house is praying for you, Mike and Luke.
Love you,
Jill
Jessie,
I love you and your family so much and I think about you almost every minute of the day. I struggle too with watching Mark and the fact that he wants to make all of this better, and can't. I struggle with watching the boys and they wanting to do so much for me, and they can't do the thing they want most. I struggle with the fact that my chemo isn't working and it makes me feel awful. I want the miracle that we both crave...and it seems prayers are going unanswered. But... It is all we can do. I am praying hard for you Jess and I am confident that you will be healed. I will continue to pray and shout out to the Lord that he is good and we need him to answer prayers. Stay strong and know this house is praying for you, Mike and Luke.
Love you,
Jill
Jessie, my eyes well up with tears. You wrote with such wholeness and transparency. Not easy things to do when so many will be reading. You are a gorgeous person and I have so much love for you and your family. You can count on my continued prayers!
As always Jessie, you are as beautiful on the outside as you are in the inside. You are stronger than I could ever wish to be. Thank you for sharing your journey with everyone. You find such a beautiful poetic way of explaining things in this rough time. Prayers of strength for you and your family are coming your way. Please call with anything. Miss you!~
The world we live in is full of sadness, sickness and evil because of sin. YET with Christ all things ARE possible. I pray that God will continue to use you as a beacan of His great love and hope. You, Mike and Luke are the poster children for all that is good in this world. Your smiles and love light up any room you enter. I know you are so tired phyically, emotionally and even spiritually and yet you take the time to share with us who wait and pray with you. I would like to share another verse with you to claim each day of this journey. Isaiah 40:31
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
When you have no strength left, know that He is your rock and fortress, cling to him. Love, Hugs and Prayers.
Peggy
I have not clicked on your blog in such a long time...I just checked in to read your latest posts....so sorry to hear of this latest trial but wanted to let you know I will be uplifting you and your family before the throne of grace...He has been faithful and will sustain and remain faithful...praying , praying for healing and supernatural grace and peace during this difficult time.
Blessings,
kathi Baillie(Marlene Hayes daughter)
Praying for you everyday, my dear friend! I'd do anything to make this all go away for you. I know you prefer "smooth roads", and I pray that this will be as smooth as possible. Those darn pot holes!Please let me know if there's anything you need or if there's anything I can do for you! Love You!
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